The Exercise Struggle

Exercise and me are not great bed fellows…. (mmmmm…...bed….)

I’m going to have to drag myself on to the exercise bike again today.... no matter how many times I do this - and let’s be clear, it’s far less frequent than it should be - I’m still not getting to the point where I get a buzz from exercise. I was led to believe that at some point something called endorphins would kick in and I’d magically love working out but after 20 years of attempting to stick to some kind of exercise regime, I’m still waiting...

I’m in my 40’s and I hate ageing. I know that it’s really important to be healthy, but everything is starting to ache... or crack... or make weird noises as I go up stairs. People are talking about the perimenopause and I’m ticking off the symptoms like I’m checking off my Tesco’s weekly shop. I slather expensive lotions on my face to prevent wrinkles, whilst recklessly ignoring the rest of my sagging body (ok, so I may be exaggerating a tad for dramatic effect. Am not THAT saggy!). And I’m overweight - have been for the LONGEST time (or maybe I just need to accept that I’m at Mandy weight - though Mr BMI would have a problem with that). I know I need to shift some timber - partly to deal with the psychological issues I have (and I know that lots of this is to do with the patriarchal view on what a women’s body should look like - but I’m a millennial who grew up in the 90’s with Kate Moss and her wisp of a body gracing celebrity magazines on a weekly basis - it’s gonna take me some time to work that damage out of my system).

My reasons for desiring the weight loss are in no way ground-breaking - it’s all about health, both physical and mental. Those knees aren’t gonna creak so much if they don’t have to haul so much around - and I know I’m happier when I’m a bit lighter and fitting into some of the countless items of clothes that I’ve hung on to (in the misguided belief that I will wear them again, when, let’s be honest, I’m going to be running to the shops to buy a whole new wardrobe faster than you can say “fat is a feminist issue”).

But it’s getting harder and harder to be motivated to eat well and exercise more. Lockdown has not helped - and my age is now kicking me in the metaphorical balls as well. So I’ve slunk back to that happy place of buying exercise equipment; reading up on new workouts and the benefits of running; making endless plans to get up early and go for a 5km walk each morning; and calorie counting (damn you toxic diet culture).... but still haven’t actually committed to that exercise session....

I have worked out though, that I am very much a ‘carrot and stick’ type of person, though the carrot of having that elusive “summer body” (let’s not get started on that topic just yet) doesn’t ever appear to be enough for me. No, I much prefer the being shouted at or competitive approach. Sign me up to run 50km in a month in order to win a medal - I’ll be there at 8pm on the last day of the month, hammering out the slowest 7km jog you’ve ever seen, just so that I don’t let myself down and not receive my accolade. Or find me trudging the streets of St Albans at 6.15am to get to the gym, to be shouted at by a dictator in training, just so that I don’t let them down (jokes - all my PT’s have only ever been amazing).

I now need to find that new motivation - perhaps I need to combine the two approaches and find a drill instructor who is willing to shout at me ‘virtually’ each day and reward me with a sticker at the end of the week that says “you did it!” This is being typed ironically, as I’m sipping white wine on the sofa after a long day at work, waiting for my chicken risotto dinner being expertly cooked by my husband. Yay, I did it - I got through another day....

All I know, is I need to find that motivation fast, otherwise that expensive exercise bike in the spare room is in very real danger of becoming wardrobe space for all those clothes I no longer fit in to. Any suggestions will be very gratefully received!