My New Year Resolutions Resolution
I’ve not been procrastinating, I’ve just been very busy doing unimportant things
Ooof... so the commitment I made to myself late last year to get this blog up and running with regular posts kinda tanked over the festive period. I could blame this lack of discipline on the fact that it was a busy old time what with various Christmas activities planned and attended (what was I thinking, trying to launch this when I had present buying to undertake, wine bars to visit and ALL THE FOOD to eat?). Or maybe it was the hellish time at work that kept me chained (bit extreme) to my desk (after 18 years in the industry, you’d think I’d have learnt by now - it’s ALWAYS busy in HR over the winter months. Plan better woman).
But no. I can’t blame work or my (lack of) post COVID lockdown social life, especially not during these dull, dull, dull January weeks. No, it’s all down to my total lack of will power combined with a self destructive tendency.
“Found something you like and enjoy?” Well here comes that gremlin on your shoulder to tell you that you’re wasting your time and you’re going to completely fail, so why bother putting any effort in now? There are chocolates to eat and another series of Brooklyn 99 to watch - go and hibernate in front of the TV right now, you mess of a human.
What with that, to be honest, fairly aggressive gremlin and the imposter syndrome that I most definitely suffer from, it’s little wonder I irrationally question everything I do. Seriously not a week goes by where I don’t question how I’ve managed to land the job I have. Who on earth has given me a team of 20 and the responsibility (amongst many other things) of making sure that all the employees in the company get paid every month? Lunacy, I tell you.
All of this goes some way to explain why I don’t attempt to set myself New Years resolutions anymore. Apart from the fact that they never bloody change (lose weight, exercise more, cut down drinking blah blah blah - I might as well package it up as a resolution to “remove all joy from my life this year”), it’s all SO BORING. I have goals and objectives at work that I’m measured against and I hate it (yes, a HR Manager who really dislikes the performance management process). So why start setting myself dull targets at home as well?
There’s nothing quite so disheartening as when you make a commitment to do something that you deem to be fairly safe albeit unexciting - and then don’t manage to achieve it. How many times have I started dry January to not actually finish it - one notorious year I hosted a belated drunken Christmas get together for friends on the 5th January - my fastest crash and burn of a resolution ever. Do you know how many journals I’ve bought over the years, with the intention that I’m going to write daily affirmations and things I’m thankful for in them? And what about the subscriptions to yoga, meditation or language courses that have been discarded after the first 4 lessons (only to be revisited on countless occasions - repeating the same 4 damn LESSONS like some kind of 98th circle of hell).
If I’m going resolve to do something this year, then it most definitely needs to be joyous, and for that reason 2022 will therefore include:
booking that trip to New York;
splurging on a bathroom redesign;
taking my camera EVERYWHERE;
conceding that I might need to learn how to use Lightroom properly;
finally celebrating my 40th with a tasting menu at Crockers/ with my parents/ on a girly weekend to Bath (better 2 years late than never - thanks COVID);
going to as many gigs, plays and comedy shows as I can book into my calendar.
All these things will bring me joy - and apparently most of them will create a bit of a hole in the old bank balance, but hey, I’m all good with that. And of course, there’s one more thing that I know will definitely be cheap - and will also satisfy that creative itch of mine - getting back in to writing.
I’m already making sure I attend my twice monthly local writers group - a delightful mishmash of different personalities and writers, all willing and able to critique and provide an overwhelming abundance of support and guidance. The mad fools even voted my poem the winner of our recent Christmas competition (first time I’ve written poetry since my A Levels - and of course I made it light-hearted and slightly smutty - if it ain’t broke and all that). I was told last year that I needed to find my tribe and I finally feel like I’ve done that.
So here I am. Ready and pen (ok, keyboard) poised. I’ve turned off - well, turned down - the obnoxious negative FM that’s been playing in my head about whether I can actually write and instead I have a list of topics that I’m going to share my mess of thoughts and opinions on this year, no doubt cluttering up cyber space even more. Whether anyone is reading them is not something I’m going to worry about at the moment (it’s a bit like shouting into the void, this blogging business). And I’m going to try to commit to a regular post, but please forgive me if I miss my goal. It’s highly likely that I’ve been distracted by a glass of wine. Or something sparkly. Or the need to re-watch The Office again.